MLB To No Longer Have 9 Innings of Baseball

New York, N.Y. - Due to decreased attendance at baseball games and overall drop of the average television viewer’s attention span, MLB has decided to no longer make baseball a 9 inning sport. Instead baseball games will now only consist of nothing but highlights.

A long standing tradition, according to a recent informal poll, people between the ideal age of 18-24 consider baseball games to be “Wicked Boring”, “So Gay”, and “Isnt this game over yet? I want to go back home and blog about this on my facebook page”.

“The Youtube generation has spoken, and it wants nothing but 1 pitch homeruns, strikeouts, and fights.” said a toothy Crypt Keeper-esque Bud Selig.

“Outs will no longer count. The team with the most highlights in 30 minutes w…wait what was that? Too freakin long? Oh ok…5 minutes! will win the game. Our goal is to make each ballgame look EXACTLY like ESPN highlights.”

When asked for comment, crusty ole ballplayers had this to say:

 

 

 

“Bah! Lazy kids and their rock-and-or-roll! Back in our day, we’d be bored out of our minds and we liked it! We’d play 50 innings of baseball, 25 quarters of football WITH NO HELMETS!, and still had enough gumption to go home, make love to our wives IN ONLY MISSIONARY POSITION, and fight 3 wars! Now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go shave my humorously long mustache.”

Further rule changes include:

  • Celebratory concerts after each home run.
  • The National Anthem will be sung by Tay Zonday
  • At the end of each minute will be the obligatory “End of the Inning Crotch Kick”
  • The 7th inning stretch will be replaced with a skateboarder faceplant.
  • Those who try to bunt for a basehit will instead have to face “The Gauntlet of Monkey Flinging Terror” on their run to first base.

Unfortunately though for Jose Canseco, steroids will still be considered a banned substance.

Filed under: Funny, Sports | April 21st, 2008

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