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Top 5 Sci-Fi Inventions That I’m Getting Impatient For

Ive watched a lot of Sci-Fi movies in my time, and I always get so jealous that the people on the screen get to play with these great cool toys. Yea I get it, its Science fiction stupid, hey im not stupid youre stupid. Anyway, I get that these really cool inventions haven’t been created yet, but it might because technology’s getting better! But what we have we got so far? Nothing but new versions of walkmans, cars that still burn yummy fossil fuels at 4 dollars a gallon, and according to the news a recreation of The Road Warrior. Heres 5 examples of inventions I dont see why im still waiting for. Why only 5? Because I got work to do thats why!

/curmudgeon mode

 

5. Breathable Space Helmets

The Jetsons especially break my heart and make it actually twice on my list but we’ll get to that in a sec. Why in the Intelligent Designs Good Green Earth are we still walking around with umbrellas? Does it keep off the rain? Sure, and it does a dandy job of it, but but wait whats that? Oh a slight WIND??!?! Whoops there goes a monsoon on my head and all over my body. Thanks Umbrella (and you too while im at it damn you Rihanna), after about 1k years, you’re still beaten by a gusty breeze. Don’t they make permeable plastics yet? Obviously so by the number of guys accidently getting their girls preggers using a condom. Wouldn’t it be so much better to go “Oh look its raining, click on invisible thing above my head, BOOM INVISIBLE AIR HELMET.”
Think of the applications! So many dumb babies could avoid the ruthless Darwin method of death when they put that plastic on their heads! Wont someone think of the children!?!

4. Home Cleaning robots

Holy crap Rosie you beautiful beast of a machine you. You’d call me Mr. (Insert Letter here) with that oh so adorable Brooklyn accent which would be so boss (damn you too Juno), you dress up in a french maid’s uniform without an ounce of sexuality which is every guy’s dream…right? right??? And of course you clean up my house daily with a *bling bling* and a goodbye. Instead, what do i have now?

It doesnt even *bling bling* me!!! It just shouts air and smacks into kitteh repeatedly like Stampy and a dead elephant.
As a complete side note, if you google Jetsons and turn off safesearch…..damn thats some messed up s-word right there.

3. Bionic Strength

This one’s a total given. What kid growing up in the 80s (ahem) didnt watch this show and wanted to friggin beat up their bullies that stole their lunch money, or took down their jogging pants in gym class to show their underwear to the rest of the class, or took their cookie money to buy their own cookies and then smashed the remaining crumbs in my face because oooooh hes is so tough, he had SPIKEY hair, he knew the lyrics to guns and roses, and he wore his jogging pants with one pant leg up! Im SSOOOOO COOL you heartless bastard. Anyway, bionic strength, the ability to leap (with sound effects please…Dah neh neh neh neh) and fall (bah wah wah wah wah), and run like an NFL athelete on steroids. No downside to me. Id be the first to sign up my frail brittle bones to be replaced by cold hard steel. Instead, we get the ability to dance a little better: . (Damn you Heather Mills)

2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Memory Eraser

Who didn’t want this at, oh, almost everyday in their life? Just my morning train ride alone id love to have used it! Push me will ya buddy! Anyway, how great was this thing? One night, a strainer on yer head, some strangers in your house stealing your beers and erasing your memories and beep boop beep, gone are those embarrasing memories OF THAT BULLY WHO PULLED DOWN YOUR JOGGING PANTS…..

Moving on. Oh what was that? Oh, instead all we have are reports that cell phones are killing your brain and giving you cancer anyway. I guess that’ll do for now. Oh and uh….damn you Kirsten Dunst for being kinda cute but snaggletoothed.

1. Strange Days SQUID Head Transmitter

For those 3 people that saw this movie, you know what im talking about. For those of you that don’t, a quick summary of what this thing did. So someone else, lets say a scientist. No wait thats boring. Lets say, Batman, put this recorder on his bat-head and wears it whereever he ran off to in Gotham and records his every emotion throughout the night, whether it be the adrenaline rush in beating the snot out of the Joker, or the Bat-boner from watching Catwoman lick her wounds. All that gets recorded to this recorder device, and then gets put on YOUR measily nerdy do nothing but write long winded blogs that only 2 people read head. Then you get to re-live the entire experience as if YOU were Batman. How cool is that? Of course this movie took it to the next level with porn stuff, but its not as if we’d naturally head that way with technology.

Instead, what do we have? Youtube. GRAH. Cmon science get to it you nerd.

Filed under: Funny, Lists | April 29th, 2008

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